Dog Blog
blogIf a dog could write a blog*, we wouldn’t be able to understand it — not with those fat paws tapping away.
Yesterday we found an abandoned dog tied up outside our offices. It look like a pitbull but had the dappled coat of a mongrel and the eager, needy eyes of a servant looking for a master. We were warned to stay away even though it looked harmless enough.
At lunch, as we sat eating our sandwiches in the local cafe, the dog (now free) managed to get inside by tailgating a man with a ponytail. Obviously hungry, he darted towards the kitchen area but was swiftly coaxed outside by the promise of a sandwich.
Dolefully, the dog waited outside the cafe.
If it was up to me, dogs wouldn’t exist. They are a category error: the domestic animal. We castrate them, tag them, breed them into docile submission. I know that having them goes back thousands of years and that we probably wouldn’t have survived the harsh reality of nature without them to guard and warn us of dangers, but that was then. Now they just blight our parks with shit and look mildly scary† .
Last night I watched YouTube videos in which dogs talk. They generally say “I ruv roo”. Its pathetic and demeaning.
When I left the cafe, the dog gave me those eager, needy eyes, smelling the aroma of cheese and picalilli from my tupperware lunch box. I tried to shoo him away but he didn’t seem to care. I worried that he would sense my unease and so tried to just ignore him, this just made him more eager. But what could I do? I had nothing to give him and found him mildly scary. So I did what any coward would do a scuttled away hoping that the smokers would distract him for long enough so I could make my escape.
* The only dog I am aware of who has a blog is Mr Big, the dog of Clare Staples who is the partner/manager of Paul McKenna, the much derided hypnotist/self-help guru.
† Simon Munnery mentions in his latest AGM that he finds solace in the idea that he could kill a dog if he had to. Just break its legs by pulling them apart.